I was going to journal the other day… After thinking about what I needed to process through, I didn’t know where to start. Rather picking something random out of the many things I haven’t had time to think and pray about, I made a list.  It’s a starting point.  It’s not perfect or totally complete.  It’s called Need to Surrender.  

Normally, I don’t share things like this over the internet, but I’m hoping it will help me continue processing.  And maybe it will help you if you find yourself reading through it.

Note:  Before you read the following list, perhaps I should clarify what I mean by surrender.  When I write that, it doesn’t mean I am going to give up on anything or on myself.  It simply means that since I believe that God is a completely powerful God and that He loves me with unimaginable affection and care, I should act like it.  In other words, I want Him who is perfect and good to have control over my life.

Need to Surrender:

My own insufficiency… It’s true.  I cannot fulfill myself through my own thoughts, what I do, or what I consume.  I am fully convinced that making up an environment for myself that will fulfill me, because even in seeking my own pleasure and comfort, it eludes me.

Where I am not (i.e., the future)… I don’t know what will happen in my life or when it will happen.  But there are things that I dream about such as: doing ministry full-time, learning to be faithful to Jesus, having a baby and starting a family, being a great wife and mom, not being the primary financial provider, and being content.

Where I am not (i.e., the past)… I’m still getting used to not being in school.  This may seem strange, but I think I held on to the affirmations I received from teachers a little too much.  I am learning to lean on God’s pleasure with me because of the cross of Jesus Christ, not on man’s approval.

Where I am now… This is the big one. It kind of ties everything together.  What I really need and want right now, is to just be content.  I get so excited thinking about the future and what God holds for me, that I forget to be here, now.  

There are all sorts of reasons that I sometimes feel discontent, enough that it will have to wait for another post.  For now, I am trusting that God is going to help me learn contentedness because I know that is what He wants.  That is how I am beginning to surrender more of myself to Him.